Scotland 7th-14th August 2015
View from the hut
In August I took myself on a solitary retreat in a hut called ‘The Vajra Sheilin’ at the retreat Centre Dhanakosa in Balquhidder, Scotland. I had been 3 times on group meditation retreats at Dhanakosa over the years. The hut is located 300 feet away from the main retreat, it is out of bounds so you remain undisturbed. It is located up on a hill of a valley overlooking Loch Voil. At the beginning of the week you choose a selection of food from the larder, fruit and vegetables and fresh produce, simple vegetarian items. All the pulses and dry goods are in the kitchen of the hut. You can pop back quietly during the week if you need to top up supplies. If you need to communicate with community members for anything, you walk down a hill, put a note in a bucket and raise a flag. When the flag is raised they check out what you need and lower the flag when accomplished. This is the only mode of communication for the week. There is no phone/internet reception.
I have been on numerous group meditation retreats in various locations since my first one in 2004 in Inverness. Scotland is the place I go to when I want to retreat as I love walking in the landscape and the peace it brings me.
Retreats can offer you a glimpse of living in a community setting and is a way of taking your practise deeper to revitalise what you do in your every day practise.
Solitary retreats go one step further and have more of an ascetic quality to them as one is completely self reliant. It is important to have a strong foundation of experience before going on one of these and to be in a mentally stable state of mind in the application to attend.
I am not interested in becoming a nun (clearly!), although sometimes I have joked about it when life is getting on my nerves. The reason I go on retreat is so that I can dedicate a concentrated period of time to deepening my own practise. This retreat included the following: meditation, chanting, pranayama, gentle yoga asanas including yin and restorative yoga, deep relaxation, Chi gong, reading, just sitting, observing, contemplating, visualising, singing, resting, doing very little, feeding the birds, cooking healthy food, washing up, walking, sleeping, photography and writing.
Often after a retreat when I return to my regular life in a town or city following this intense period of meditation and contemplation, I feel I can participate even more fully and whole heartedly having spent this time going inward. It’s a way of recharging the batteries in order to enter my life with a new sense of purpose or dedication. I find it very beneficial which is why it has become something I do at least once a year for the past 11 years. If I can look after my own needs in this way with focus I am more likely to be of use to others on my return, in whatever form that takes, the relationships I have, the projects I work on, the work that I do.
This was my first solitary retreat, I had no instructions or plan, my intention was to simply get in touch with awareness and uncover the presence within me, to access my true nature.
I am sharing some entries from my travel journal of this time. This was the first time I was staying put for a week after lots of moving and transitory experiences, allowing myself to take it all in and become still.
Although this is very personal, I hope it may give some insight into why taking time to be on your own can be important. I know that I have been sceptical about ascetic life styles and have wondered sometimes what use it is to our society if people hide away becoming nuns or monks. I also would like to share this as it is helpful for me to make sense of things I experience and writing is a way of processing and learning from life experiences. The last thing I want is for this to be an act of ‘navel gazing’ as ‘they’ say. I hope it can be thought provoking and maybe even encouraging to others to take time to yourself and see what that can offer you.
Retreats are for a set period and then one returns to regular life, which I believe can be incredibly helpful and far from a selfish act. Ultimately I retreat so that I am easier to be around and hopefully can be of service in some way in the world. If I am mentally stable through looking after my mind through meditation and physically healthy through eating well and doing regular exercise I am more likely to be more useful than I might be if I was working non stop in the centre of a city, eating junk food and never paying attention to my breath or my thoughts. It seems to suit my temperament anyway.
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Vajra Sheilin
Mon 10th
So what am I doing here? I sensibly planned that this would be a good place to come after walking the epic Camino De Santiago and then being at Borderland Festival and am happy I did. I am now in one spot, not going anywhere.
In the city, in regular life the days fly by. If you haven’t achieved loads by the end of the day you can feel it’s not enough.
Doing very little is hard here too, however. I feel like I should be ‘practicing more’. But being is enough. One day I wrote a to do list out of habit (which I’ve been doing as long as I can remember). All it said was ‘go with the flow’, so I ripped it up and threw it away whilst finding it rather amusing.
Be present in all that I do. Come into the being state. All is valuable.
I’ve noticed I often have this slight restless feeling within in daily life particularly if I ever find myself at home during the day. Society and the status quo train us that we should always be busy and doing and achieving more and more to be a success. When we are not doing, we feel a sense of lack or that it is not enough.
When in fact, quite the opposite is true.
We need to do less to come into the being state so that we are fully alive and awake in our actions. Maybe these first couple of days of me feeling this slight restlessness is a residue of that, of all those years in London and the intensity of it. Just shaking off habitual patterns that are still holding on.
My intention on my travels this summer has been to be with whatever is and to be open to what is in front of me, to the unknown, to reality with awareness. I have a strong foundation of years of practise and now is the time to do this retreat. No guidance or instruction from anyone, totally alone, independent and self reliant.
I’ve had a few passing thoughts today wondering what I will do with the next part of my life. I’ve created this seismic shift ‘flicking all the switches at once’ as someone I met aptly put it at Borderland, and it only dawns on me gradually. Since leaving my flat in London I’ve had the phrase in my head ‘home is where the heart is’ come to me. It feels like a good philosophy to live by since the heart is something I focus on so much on a daily basis. It makes sense. Wherever I am engaged and in touch with the heart I am at home.
10 years in London is a decent rounded number and they have been incredibly informative years.
Before I try to figure out where I am going and what I am doing, it makes sense to acknowledge where I actually am…
I am sitting on this porch up on this hill, as the water evaporates from the trees on the other side of the valley up into the clouds.
I have nothing tying me down right now, no job, no home, no money, no partner, no kids, no material assets. I have myself. I must utilise this time of freedom. If one thing is for sure life will not always be like this.
Right now, sitting here, this moment, this simplicity suits me very much.
This time last year I was staying with friends, working at their kitchen, staying in a caravan in the Cotswolds for about 10 days. I sat in a field and looked out. I ran through where my life had taken me since leaving school and up to that point. I visualised out into the open field what I wanted to make happen in my life next. After about an hour of meditation, I was startled and gasped out loud as a pheasant dramatically flew out from the trees from behind me and out into the distance across the fields. The words ‘fly the nest’ came to mind. When I returned to the caravan I wrote in my journal that by this time, Aug 2015, I wanted to: have left my flat, London, my job and to travel and volunteer in various places.
Well, now skip forward to the present. I have achieved that and am still in the process of that now. This visualisation became a reality. That’s how it works. And now some of that is already in the past!
I am working with the same friends for a month this time having achieved my goal, and in a matter of weeks will be staying back in the same ramshackled caravan alone in a field, no doubt trying to figure out the next move again!
Life is a mixture of being present where you are and having a rough idea of what you plan to do with it.
I’m happy right now, living in nature with the birds and the mice for company. A little dwelling like this with so much space around me, lush green trees and watching the weather dramatically change before my eyes across the valley. I have sat for hours simply watching. It feels so wonderful living so close to the elements. I do feel cut off from people and it’s all about the landscape.
Since hitting the road walking the Camino De Santiago I have enjoyed making wherever I am a home for the night, being cut off from ‘the folly of man’ somewhat and escaping from crazy city life. To do a solitary retreat is to come into contact with simply being and revealing the stillness beneath the craziness of life.
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If ever there was a time when I want to snuggle up and watch back to back episodes of Six Feet Under, which I have done in my life rather a lot, in times of illness or sloth, it is now. Preferably while eating chocolate.
I am innately a bit of a hedonist really. I do enjoy treating myself! I’ve given up drink for 1 month to 6 weeks nearly every year since I started uni. I go with out alcohol for a week or two and it’s fine. I don’t need to give it up as it is not a problem for me, but good to try these things from time to time to break habitual acts. Now that I have done that I don’t feel the need to do it again.
The rain has been atmospheric throughout the day. I went for a short walk and practised some asanas.
Right now I don’t feel like ‘contemplating’, ‘meditating’ or any kind of ‘Self enquiry’.
I feel like chocolate and entertainment for the first time since being here 3 days in. Funny to think that in everyday life, generally if I have a whim, without much hesitation I tend to just go with it, Facebook, chocolate, watching a bit of TV, general distraction, still in moderation but I will just go with it because it’s so close by, so easy to do so.
And right now I do want to do that. When you have a break from these things you do really appreciate them. The chocolate one is a hard one to break, I am a chocoholic.
For now all I can do is read, I’m so glad I brought books as I very nearly didn’t. I was going to be a purist about it. Screw that. I don’t want to contemplate all the time! Thankfully I am proof reading dad’s new book, Vistas of Infinity and reading Dancing Barefoot, Patti’s biography. I am so happy I have them for company.
Writing desk
Up until now I have generally felt calm, quiet and not a strong sense of my egos need or attachments. But in all this quietness I feel my habits arising (samskaras). I’ve spent a lot of time in my 20s contemplating stuff of a spiritual nature.
Sometimes you just need to balance it all out with a bit of fun and entertainment! And that’s fine. But here I can notice it when it comes up and see what happens when I do not have that distraction to hand.
As I walked past a rock earlier I had a memory of coming here years ago with my ex boyfriend to retreat together, he took a photo of me on that very rock which I recognised immediately and the photograph came to mind, I stopped in my tracks. I had a vivid memory of him crying when we broke up and I found myself spontaneously crying a little, feeling the way he may have felt. I felt very sad. It was as if I became him, experiencing what he had felt at that time. I wondered how he was in that moment. I sent waves of love to him and wished him will.
Out here alone, random memories of people come and go unexpectedly as if from out of nowhere. It must be because there is space and time to do so.
The path through the forest to the hut
When I walked in the forest earlier I sat down on the ground. I purposefully visualised all my previous lovers one by one walking slowly towards me through the clearing. I saw each one clearly in my minds eye, I acknowledged them for having been part of my life, quietly with no judgment, simply watching them walk on by gracefully, one by one appreciating each ones uniqueness. A mixture of love, sadness, tenderness and acceptance.
Later I imagine being an old woman looking back on all the important life experiences there will have been and how it must be too much to take in at times. How confusing it must be to remember all of the life times we have within just this one alone. The people that are so important to us that we then have nothing to do with anymore. That will be distant memories.
I feel myself so physically very cut off from others right now, but they still come to me, they are all a part of me, my make up. I imagine always living alone like this, with the birds, and think how lonely it would get, left with just your memories. The depth of emotion that can come with a memory.
Suddenly I feel like an old woman sitting on a porch as I cannot see what I look like while I sit, I feel in advance of my age. I actually feel like I become an old woman who has lived those thousand lives within this one. I am strong.
Suddenly I come back to, being this age I am now. But I feel like I am her now too, simultaneously.
Socialising is so much a part of my make up, I love it and here I am sitting on a porch in the middle of nowhere imagining I am an old woman! What a laugh.
The porch
I’ve always thought to myself ‘I’m not searching for enlightenment’. I am not ‘on a path’, but I am interested in reaching new states of consciousness and living more authentically.
Reading dads book here, I am reassured by this quote which comes at the right moment for me with regards to these higher states of consciousness that are possible to access, as I have been curious and wondering about that lately:
"We also need to liberate ourselves from the idea that this state of consciousness is reserved for some spiritual elite. Quite the opposite is true: it is humility and surrender that will grant the humblest of people residency here if their heart is pure, committed to authenticity and surrendered to the source”
I find this deeply reassuring. I’ve sort of always felt it’s never quite in my reach but deep down I do want more to be revealed to me. Particularly right now at this exact point in my life. I feel I am making space for going deeper now. This whole year has been making room for it in fact.
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I’ve just acknowledged to myself that I quite enjoy my own company!
I have a truly good relationship with myself.
I am grateful to be able to admit this as this has not always been the case.
There have been dark nights of the soul.
I am contented with this realisation.
I acknowledge that right now I do not have hang ups or neuroses nor am I self critical. I do not have negative thoughts.
I feel gratitude. I realise my hard work has paid off.
I’m coming into a deeper part of myself. While staying at another community last week, I had nothing to hide, nothing to prove, I felt comfortable in my own skin, happy to be alone or with others equally. I know myself well enough to know when I need company or when I need space, to just take myself quietly away. I felt no desire to tell anyone about myself. It wasn’t relevant. I wanted to listen to what they had to say and witness their experiences. I could see them for who they were clearly and I loved and accepted everyone I met with friendliness.
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I see another quote in the book that resonates with how I feel right now:
"We have no interest in following a ‘spiritual path’ because every moment is complete and spiritual in its core essence”
It’s true. I understand it now.
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Today, I hid the clock. Makes me think of Patti ‘Fuck the clock’.
I only checked it once when I was going to bed when I learned it was 10pm. I’ve not gone a day without checking a clock in my adult years just for the sheer fact that we have appointments to keep in regular life.
It was refreshing to go through the day eating when hungry rather than set meal times and being able to tell roughly what time of day it was by the light.
11/8
Do not forget that when you go into a town or city that you do not need more. You don’t need any of it. Think how little I need here and remember.
The mind is a powerful thing, we do not need to be over stimulated, there is so much to work with, without irrelevant distraction. We are so finely wired, we do not need more.
Today I feel great privilege, that I have also felt on previous days, what it is to be staying here. It is humbling. The quietness and stability one has within in this quiet environment. We do not need to fill our lives with so much. When in this privileged position of being here alone in this hut it is my duty to meditate and dedicate this warmth of heart to others. Todays focus is on joy, the heart and love. I practise specific metta practices all day and feel the love rise up abundantly with joy for each moment and I offer it out to the world.
Sending out love
Here my friends and family pop up fairly regularly in my mind, they are indeed a part of me, I send love and warmth to them going about their days, I know on some level they will benefit from this.
Another good quote:
"Practitioners know the great power of meditation lies inside the heart, in the fearless abandoning to love. Many spend years in meditation trying to force the mind to focus. All the strict effort may be wasted if the heart is not employed. Why not spend minutes surrendering to the heart and consulate the union with the very source instead of forcing nature along routes it is not designed to go? Then, when you have drunk all the joys the heart has to offer and you feel replenished, keep the fire burning and humbly and secretly take it with you wherever you go.”
Yes to that.
I have a few distinct experiences of my heart chakra being awakened. The first vivid one is my first retreat at Anam Cara in 2004 when I was 22. The lady who ran the retreat centre, Margaret, was talking about a sweat lodge she held, she was speaking so openly about her experience and that of others and how it benefitted them. She was serving us wholesome delicious food whilst telling us stories. She was standing, present, holding the space. My heart spontaneously awakened and I felt the energy encircling it and warming me, I felt overwhelming love as a physical sensation and things changed from then on.
When my dear friend and Soul Cat, Zsi died in the Luxor hot air balloon tragedy 2 years ago (with her partner and 17 others) this was an enormous thing and offered a huge transformation in my life. Nothing has been the same since, nor will it ever be. Like taking the red pill (The Matrix) and seeing how far down the rabbit hole goes. With any great consciousness shifts there is no going back. Things just get deeper.
My heart set on fire that day, just like she did when she died. She is now part of me too. My heart continues to burn at varying degrees. It is my teacher. The heart is everything. But those first few months it burned its fiery passion in the most intense way I had not experienced before. Certain words triggered it, certain thoughts or feelings, it burned. The fire element has always been powerful for me but more so since that day in 2013. Life has not been the same since.
From then I started sharing the heart mantra more when teaching, that Lisa (one of my teachers) offered to me and I taught heart connecting practises more and more in recent years. I get a lot from the metta bhavana practise and have been doing them here quite naturally and informally, starting locally and extending love out to the whole universe. This is my practise in this life time.
I vow to plunge into the heart and discover more.
Here is an excerpt of a letter I sent to a friend, Daisy. When I met her last week it was like discovering I had a little sister, 10 years younger.
‘It’s 8am, I’m in the sheilin, which is more a home than a hut. It has a single bed, a desk am writing at, overlooking Loch Voil and the misty hills, little birds eating seeds at the window, an armchair and shrine, a kitchen and little bathroom, a porch with a chair. I’m like a cross between Snow White, with the little birds and mice visiting and a little old lady up here, perhaps meeting somewhere in the middle.
I love cooking healthy vegetarian meals after a few months travelling, going most days to pick raspberries to have with porridge or smoothies with banana and honey.
This place brings about an inner stillness, peace, calmness and contentment. I feel stable and undisturbed by ego or thoughts, present with the simplicity of being. It is a real privilege to be here. I’ve understood that all is valuable, the normal ‘mundane’ things cross over with the formal yoga, qi gong or meditation practise. I’ve understood this intellectually in the past, but here I get it. Remove the boundaries of what I consider ‘spiritual practise’ and keep awareness of what is beneath it. I get that spiritual practise is ‘getting over yourself’, once the mind quietens and one is less concerned with an identity, the being state relieves one of any burden. So I can approach washing my clothes, cooking, sitting, walking all with the same awareness.’
This bring me to this piece by Thich Nhat Hahn which I’ve had in mind throughout the week, this summarises one of the main things I finally get in my time here:
"There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes.
If while washing the dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not “washing the dishes to wash the dishes.”
What’s more, we are not alive during this time we are washing the dishes.
In fact we are completely incapable of realising the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either.
While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future - we are incapable of actually living the miracle of life.”
12/8
Last night I finished dads book. I get his advice that I just need to have a focus for my meditation and do it everyday.
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I do feel today that feeling again now, of wanting to have some form of entertainment besides all this quietness. I’m glad I only booked 1 week not longer.
It reminds me that as usual it always comes back to balance, that doing these formal practises is good, then it’s ok to watch a film/socialise/eat cake/have a drink, that kind of thing.
I wouldn’t like to live like this all the time.
The senses entice us, but we should not let them control us. The mind wants to be occupied and thrives off intellectual stimulus. I also accept I do need my excitement and stimulus in life. Yep, I could never be a nun!
Tomorrow is my last full day here and I am ready to move on. I’m looking forward to having a laugh with people again.
What I will take away from this retreat is the meditation practise, the information from dads book, the inspiration, the knowledge of all being connected - everything I do - mundane and formal, treat all the same.
Now for a bit of distraction from this contemplative stuff.
I’ve spent many hours during the week sitting quietly. I’m going to lay back and read Patti Smith.
Laying on the porch, Patti accompanying me writing
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Never more so than on retreat does it become so obvious when we use distraction to get away from looking inwards. Our whole society is designed to look out. What a conundrum.
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I got a bit of cabin fever today as I’ve been in all day until 4.45pm when I finally left to go for a walk. I felt instantly better. A little walk every day, I have learned, is good for all levels of wellbeing, this habit I’ve developed in the last year I will take into the rest of my life. I want to be one of those old people where their grandkids say ‘granny still walks for miles every day and does her daily exercises.’
On the walk I ended up running a bit. I felt very alive and awake. I felt creative internally today. That feeling of going inward to come outward again which is what retreats are partly about for me. Thoughts of the joy of being and sharing coming back. What this means for me creatively next - l don’t know but there is an abundance within to be shared. Some things I noted in my phone (which I’ve only used for note making, no reception up here) on the walk just now:
You don’t need to try to be anything
Meditate daily to tap into the source
Channel this vitality and it will come out through you in its own unique way
Take this new calmness, peacefulness and gentleness with me
Watch things rise and pass away
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I read the guest book from cover to cover during my stay here. It is full of great stuff since 2009, entries from people who have been here. The energy of the space is very strong, years and years of people visiting with the intention of going deeper, is a powerful thing, and reading the words of those people, it is a lineage of sorts, and is quite a privilege to be part of it.
My contribution to the guest book
‘I gently place my hand on the cold lush green moss in the forest, I hold this piece of broccoli up infront of a tree, pause, eat, take delight, in its crunch, this one candle burning, when I look at the hills opposite, as I sit at this desk I see the ragged line of japanese ink over the top of it, the mouse with the big ears occasionally scuttles when I least expect, as I soften my eyes and gaze gently at nature I feel it breathe, again in the forest the crows dramatically fly out of the pine trees as if in slow motion, other world, picking raspberries on my daily walks, the subtle mist after a rain shower, you sweet sweet birds, chanting Loka samasta sukhino bhavantu, unexpected tears and choked up throat, I think of my teacher and her mighty chant, i keep going, hardly getting the words out, this time I really mean it, I chant for all beings to be happy, I get through it, I find the chant come from my heart and come into my own, feel the privilege of this cabin and being here, to understand properly this time (no longer intellectually) that there is no separation between the practises of formal yoga/meditation/qi gong and other more mundane activities, it is the awareness behind it that matters. This place offers stillness, calmness, peace and love. Once the mind quietens and one gets over the self, all distraction removed, we are free to let one thing merge into the next. I walk, I nap, meditate, chant, wash my clothes, sing, love, write, practise yoga - all merging. I will take this into the rest of my life. I feel contentment and an inner well of creativity bubbling up, found myself skipping by the loch just now. I said out loud:
“Don’t shy away from the moment, it will be over before you know it” - with joy!
(I usually use full stops until now, a stream of words!)
I’ve been reading the draft of my old mans book (he came here before - picture of the giant squirrel in here) a quote I am inspired by:
“Good meditation is the opposite of having experiences. It is finding the resting point within us and spending as much time as possible in the stillness of it”
It has been a calming, grounding, peaceful week. Feel the connection of all of us passing through this cabin all with individual personality and wisdom coming through. Peace and love to all who have and will spend time here.
Martina Z xxx’
Dad’s contribution to the guest book
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I dreamt briefly of an ex last night, it was very realistic.
I guess being up here gives the unconscious space for things to come up to the surface. Sometimes dreams reveal to us the passing of time and that some things will never happen again. They are gone. That is life. Impermanence.
Is there someone out there suitable for me? It’s hard to imagine. But I’ve had so many crazy life experiences, I don’t know what awaits me. After recent deeply painful heart ache, my defence mechanisms not surprisingly came up. I denied the idea of marriage or being with one person, but deep down I think I do want the companionship that society tells us we should have. I’m just not sure it exists. But it is up to life to take care of such things I have no control over.
Here I am in this hut by myself up on the hill, happy in my own company, with who I am. Unsure of where I’m off to next, where to travel to or where I will live.
It’s exciting not to know.
Years ago in a different time, during depression I have gone through, I would have wanted nothing more than to admit that I am utterly contented in my relationship with myself as a strong independent woman. It’s vital to acknowledge this moment and where I have got to.
The person I want to be I already am. My true nature I am gradually discovering and will be revealed to me over time with continued practise and dedication. That is all. Reveal what is. Nothing to become.
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I find myself day dreaming of having a home. I visualise how I would like it to be.
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Who knows what my 30s will hold? So much can happen in a year, let alone 5, then 5 again.
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For the first time since being in Scotland this summer, it feels like August, the sun is out, the sky is clear. I’m topless and the sun warms my skin. I’ve spent the morning meditating, practising qi gong on the porch, writing, watching the bats, I made a healthy salad am eating now.
Body as landscape
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My first time verbally interacting with someone came today, (other than giving an old man directions on my first day and saying the odd hello to the occasional person along the loch on my walks),
I asked the chef down at the retreat for a knife to open a sack of potatoes in the larder. Yeah, was nothing special.
I raised the flag a couple of times. All I needed was extra loo roll as I have got through about 8 this whole time, as I’ve had severe hay fever. I just got used to constantly blowing my nose and sneezing a million times a day but it has been a royal pain in the arse at times.
It is 11 years ago today I went to that first retreat when I first practised yoga at Anam Cara in Inverness. I use this date as my official date of getting into yoga, like a little anniversary I acknowledge every year. I remember seeing Sudaka, the teacher, doing Qi Gong outside in the sun on the lawn and being intrigued.
Now here I am, in the present, on a solitary retreat doing qi gong outside in the sun. I am also a fully qualified yoga teacher. Interesting how much that decision to attend my first retreat shaped my life to bring me here now.
Opening up
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It’s my last day here and I feel it. Walking down to get vegetables I felt very light in every step. I felt sharp in my mind, totally alert, yet calm and steady all at once. Life is going to get better and better. I can feel it.
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I went for a walk earlier along the loch and up a long gravel path, passed the chopped down forrest and pine trees. It had a strange dark energy and atmosphere due to the trees having been cut down. My eyes were extremely itchy and I was sneezing non stop. Lot of trees had fallen, they looked almost violently ripped from the forest floor.
On the last day of the retreat, I take a walk into reality. What is hidden behind the hut, is the land of the destroyed forrest, I feel deep sadness and grief to the depths of my being. To me this symbolises that no matter where you go man destroy things. I feel that pull reminding me of the reality of being in the world, the destructive force. I am reminded of the state of the world at large. I feel utterly sad. I know that even when you take yourself off on retreat, there is no getting away from this fact. One cannot hide from anything, not that I went there to hide. I went there to see. It is all connected. I start to mentally prepare myself for going back ‘into the world’ (which I’m aware is an illusion, this is the world too, it’s just not the everyday world I am usually occupied with).
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I went for another walk after dinner down to the loch. Last time I was here was in 2012. The reflection of the valley in the loch was a mirror image, was beautiful in autumn. Not a ripple in site, utterly still, I took some incredible photos then.
Now it is summer, the reflection so different from before, the loch as still now as it was then.
I went into the next field across a stream via a fallen tree - I saw ripples and patterns appearing on the surface of the water and became mesmerized.
I stood on a rock quietly, still. I watched attentively as these mysterious little ripples were emerging trying to figure out what was causing them. After some time trying to glimpse at what it was, I figured out there were these tiny frogs jumping out and creating this dance, all across the surface. Exciting and full of energy, yet meditative. The patterns they created was a delight for the eyes. Beautiful. I was utterly absorbed and captivated. I remembered I had met my power animal on the shamanic retreat I had stayed on last week and it was a frog.
Beautiful reflections of reeds in water. I wished I had my camera, but then surrendered to the moment. Perfect light. A dance.
I must have been watching the frogs dance for an hour at sundown.
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I am happy it’s my last night here. Ready to sit on a long train journey tomorrow, will be about midnight by the time I arrive to see my family. I’ve cleaned the cabin and packed my bag. Going to read, do some gentle stretches then go to bed. Tomorrow have to be out of here by 11. Train is 4.30 from Edinburgh. It’s just gone 9 and getting slowly dark.
What I’ve enjoyed about not having any plans for the day, is that here you never know how the day is going to turn out, a lot of it has to do with the weather as you are so close to the elements, or simply the animals coming and going, who will make an appearance today? A bat, a frog, a door mouse I wondered daily. Just going with the flow. No lists all week!
I want to take away from this, the regular meditation practise, the stuff learned from dads book, this inner calmness, peace and ease I feel in my self, this ability to choose to uncover stillness. I now understand it is always there. Now that I have had space to reveal it. The stillness is within. Our distracted minds do not give us room to uncover it. That there is no one thing that is more important than another to practise, allow things to cross over and do not separate things, mundane or not, all is part of life. The act of being of service in the world.
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I just did 30 mins of asana, really feeling the body again after all the practise this week. So good to exercise in this way every day. Then did 30 mins pranayama and meditation. Was a very peaceful practise. My mind is often quieter at night. Peace.
Shrine
14/8
I am now on the train from Edinburgh to Kings Cross, then heading down to Sussex.
As I walked down the hill to the loch to complete the week I was greeted by one of the community members who was the very first person I spoke to. Was lovely, he offered me a cuppa, gave me envelopes and stamps for my letters. I thanked someone who had written me a note and leant me some walking boots one day, that I had messaged with the flag! I had a nice conversation with someone who had taught me meditation years ago and he asked how my week had been. Everyone was friendly and warm. I enjoyed every tiny gesture. When I walked down to the main retreat centre toward the minibus, all the retreatants were saying goodbye to one another hugging each other so chatty and animated.
I talked on the bus to a woman who was asking questions about my experience of being on my own up there, she was really intrigued. It felt so nice to communicate with someone and to share with her. We had great conversations, she was really interesting.
I chatted to another French woman from the retreat on the train to Edinburgh, as she got up to leave, she left her scarf on the train so I called out to her and passed it to her quickly and she smiled affectionately, put her hands together in prayer and left.
I had between 2-4pm to be in Edinburgh before my train. So I wandered out into the rainy streets where the festival was happening. I went along the main drag where there were charismatic theatrical types everywhere, performing, handing out flyers. It was so exciting to be out ‘in the world’ again. I felt joyful and exuberant. Everywhere I went lively people offered me flyers and tried to entice me to see their shows, to which I responded “I’d love to but I’m getting my train soon!” or as time passed “I only have an hour here’ and they would each respond saying “it’s not enough!” or “have a great hour!” and I felt charmed and happy by the camaraderie.
The first place I went to was an Italian cafe. I was so glad I went to that particular cafe as it was a lovely experience. The waiter was Italian, charismatic and attractive. He knew it, but it didn’t matter. When he spoke Italian it was almost like he was ‘acting being an Italian’, he loved being Italian, it was like watching someone play with their character and thoroughly enjoy it. He treated every guest with the utmost friendliness and dedicated service, he looked each person right in the eyes, asked where they were from, spoke a few words in their language, laughed and was basically charming everyone he came into contact with. Each persons eye who I caught I felt a connection and knew I was the same as them, that we are all one and the same. I felt the energy of the room and the atmosphere Edinburgh was offering. Each member of staff did a good job and took joy in the act of serving others. As I got up to leave I said to him “You clearly all enjoy working here, there’s a lovely atmosphere”, he said “thank you, we do have a good time”, he was appreciative and as I lifted up my big bag he seemed impressed, smiled and bid me farewell. I said bye to the others and left happily. I feel if I want to say something I will just say it, and if I don’t feel like saying it verbally my thoughts and gestures say it all and on some level people do pick up on these things. It is about the awareness behind our actions. Watching our thoughts.
Charisma, being, authenticity, joy, friendliness, presence, warmth, kindness, vitality. I appreciate these qualities.
I felt the life and vibrancy of the festival. I loved its intensity. Yes, I am ready to be out in the world participating whole heartedly and generously! I thought of the first four lines of Shakespeare’s ‘All the worlds a stage’:
"All the worlds a stage. And all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts”
I felt alive and joyful, happy to walk the stage.
When I was in the station I felt connected to everyone. I saw a proud father rocking his baby affectionately and attentively. I offered a woman with a young child my seat and she appreciated it. I had a laugh with two women, as suddenly Jeremy Corbyn ran passed to catch his train with cameras following him and I asked them to fill me in on the news, they found it funny that I had been on retreat for a couple of weeks and admitted I knew nothing of what the latest news was as I’d been in a hut!
I really felt the presence of each interaction with those I came into contact with.
By the time I came back onto the train I was happy I had a couple of hours at the festival and was heading home. I knew my friends were performing in Edinburgh, they were all close by, but alas it was not the time to visit them, my train booked and a place to go. But I sent them warmth for their creative endeavors.
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That night I stayed up talking to dad until the early hours of the morning. We talked about his book, about my experience of the retreat, which he had done a few years previous and written a book about his experience (The Ten Minute Moment) I felt healthy, strong and present.
That day, I had come out of a week of being alone in a hut in a valley, spent a couple of hours in the hectic city while the Edinburgh Festival was on, travelled for most of the day then had really intense conversations with my ole man.
That night I became quite overwhelmed. The energetic effects of the week revealed themselves to me.
I was aware while communicating of the incredibly strong energetic sensations in my subtle body. As I listened to dad talk about the state of the world catching up on the news, consciousness, meditation, life after death, his book, (the usual stuff with him!) I felt every word he spoke resonate in my body as an actual visceral experience. If he said the word ‘suffering’ I felt a sensation of suffering, if it was ‘joy’ I felt joy, if it was ‘light’ I felt light, it went on and on, everything felt in my being. I felt wired and sensitive to everything. I took deep full breaths and exhaled slowly through my mouth. I lay my head back, closed my eyes and felt utterly alive in the moment. My heart set on fire again, burning with love and intensity for everything. Unsure of what to do with it all. As I felt my whole being set alight and I breathed, Dad was looking away quietly and down.
We sat in silence for a few moments. He said he could see I was overwhelmed. I said it was time for me to call it a night. I went to bed in the conservatory of their house. I looked up at the stars on the clear night. I was so utterly awake, I could feel energy pulsating through my veins. I felt so alive I didn’t know what to do with it.
So I told myself, just like I have when I have been on hallucinogens in the past that when I wake in the morning for the sake of me being able to function in the world I need things to dull down and become more regular and mundane again, otherwise it will be too much to deal with and I may not function normally! The next day we were having a family gathering for my mums birthday and thank fully I felt more normal again. This time calm and full of love.
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A few days later, I find myself going 120mph on the back of my friend Stace’s motorbike through the South Downs while the sun is setting. I am exhilarated and I think to myself ‘How can it be that one minute I am alone in a hut in a remote location sitting quietly in meditation and now I am here at the opposite end of the spectrum yelling out vocally with joy at the exhilaration of the speed?'
I know in theory it’s about balance but I still find myself doing these things.
That’s why I could never be a hermit, I love life too much.
I retreat.
I come back.
I participate.
I’m not hiding from anything.
Blog 6, Published on 17th Dec
